he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
