I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
