tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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