we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Congratulations! We have a period
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