He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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