haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
