that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
