sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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