ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
