His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have already put on my inside pants.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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