I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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