Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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