Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
