Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
