everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I love having hate sex.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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