the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Houston, we have a blender
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
