Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
