I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
