Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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