you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
