Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
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