I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
