you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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