JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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