If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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