apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
