I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
