How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize