I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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