My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize