first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
