omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
