You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
