dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
