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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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