She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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