worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize