she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
