He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
