the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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