Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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