When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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