Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
