I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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