I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
