Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
