paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
