mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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