What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
