ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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