i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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