Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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