god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You were trust falling into bushes
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
