when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
