oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
