i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
