I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
