I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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