I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
